It’s one of the most amazing feeling being married. You have made it through the wedding without killing anyone or causing world war three to happen. You have gone on your honey moon and had an amazing time. You even managed to send out thank you cards within the appropriate time frame after you came home. But during this amazing and life changing time you were bombarded with TONS of advice and some times it was from people who weren’t even married!!! I know it’s a bit of a harsh thing to say but a marriage is different then a long-term relationship, and it’s not just because the law treats you differently. So here are the top 5 worst peace of advice we ever got as newlyweds and what I actually tell newlyweds after being married for seven years.
1: Let the little things go. They are not worth the stress.
Ok so first off. NEVER EVER EVER let the little things pass you by that either stress you out or don’t align with your views. For example, if you hate or even just don’t like having socks on the floor. Tell him, hey it really bothers me that you left your dirty socks on the floor and work out a joint solution to fix this from happening again. Its little things like this that people will tell you to just brush off. But it is a total lie and successfully and happily married people will tell you something completely different. The little things are what builds the foundation of your marriage. I will say it again. [tweet bird=”yes”] It’s the little things in life that build your marriage. [/tweet]. One of the most missed and easily fixed issues that a newlyweds misses is that they don’t sweat the small stuff because they magically think that their husband is a mind-reader. But what you should be told is that there is a way to bring up things that bother you properly, instead of sitting on it. Always make sure that when you are having this type of conversation that you are alone and preferably at your own home. This makes life a bit easier when bring up something as simple as laundry being left around the home. Since you both can walk over to that area and work out a solution, not just visualize it. Also always make sure that you are having this conversation in a respectful manner. You never want to sound like your accusing your spouse of something, since they probably didn’t know that action was bothering you in the first place. An example conversation could be this. ” Hey honey, I know it’s a small stupid thing, but can you make sure to not leave your socks on the floor. I work really hard to try to keep the house clean and it makes me feel that you don’t appreciate it and expect me to clean up after you.”. Simple, to the point and totally non judgmental. You get to express what bothers you and why you feel that way.
2: You don’t have to talk about finances.
Even though you will get advice on how to run your finances from everybody, there is technically no right way to do this. But the one right thing is to make sure that you both are open and honest with how the finances are being handled. Also that you both are involved in a making a plan as for your financial future together and check in with each other often. While also being fair as to how much fun money each person gets to spend however they want. It can be something as simple as each person gets 20 bucks a month to do what ever they want with it. But everything has to equal. And if you’re both making a different amount of money then break everything down to a percentage. For example, 10 percent of both your paychecks go to savings. That way you both are contributing, but it accounts for the reality of wonky paychecks and acknowledging that you both don’t bring home the same amount of money. You both should also have a six month and yearly review of your finances to see what is working and what needs to be fixed. That way you both are always on the same page for the long and the short-term of the year. Nothing is worst then getting to the end of the year a missing a financial target you both set because it wasn’t discusses and corrected months ago. This is also a super easy way to prevent arguments and heated debates since you have this talk twice a year.
3: There is a no proper way to argue with your spouse.
OMG. So this one gets me the most. There IS a proper way to argue with your spouse. Its call making sure to never ever have an argument in front of others and always do it in a private safe place. The worst thing you could ever do is have an argument in front of others, or get others involved. First of its super tacky. And second, it’s no ones business but your own. It’s a bit of a challenge to not share everything with the world, especially since you can blast out your location to everyone on Facebook in lest then 5 minutes. But your marriage is private and there are certain things, like arguing and finances, that only need to be discussed with your spouse. It’s great to get advice on certain topics. But a that end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of advice you get, unless you talk with your spouse and actually see what works. I personally only take advice about marriage from my husband. He is literally the best qualified person to tell me what he wants to work on and what is not an issue for him and no one else.
4: There is not that much that changes after the wedding.
Everything changes after the wedding and if it doesn’t then you’re doing something wrong. I mean even if you just looked at it from the legal perspective, you are legally responsible for another person. That really doesn’t kick in unless someone gets sick and you have to make life threatening or changes for them. Take the legal part seriously. Get wills prepared. Talk about short and long-term finance. Take the legal part of marriage serious and think ahead 5, 10, or even fifteen years and start to plan. It doesn’t mean that you will have the same goals 5 years from now that you do today. But the entire point is to talk about these things and get both persons wishes out on the table.
5: You can’t change him.
So technically you never change your husband. I am always a big proponent of saying that if you are looking to see if you are ready for marriage or not, then ask your self this. Would you want to be married to the exact same person 50 years from now, socks lying on the floor included. But one big caveat that most people don’t bring up is that he changes himself. Think about it, you are not the same person you were five years ago. You might have the same core beliefs, but your hair probably changed as well as other things in your life. This is going to happen with you husband as well. But the key is not to try to change him, but to grow with him. Spend time together and instead of exploring separate paths and hobbies, always try to do things together, regardless of how small they are.
This tips are where the hard work is put in. This is also extremely hard to give a small nugget of advice since that means so many different things to each person. But what i would say is never forget that you are always going to be dating your husband because you love him. Its way too easy to forget to make date night a priority, or to spend quality time together. There are bills to pay, student loans to juggle and just a normal jam-packed life. But I would hope that one of the reasons you got married in the first place was that you could not imagine a life with out him. This amazing and beautiful life is never going to just be about you or him anymore but about the both of you. Just as you would run a three-legged race, you should treat your marriage. You both need to communicate and laugh often to make it to the finish line.
